Today is Shyanne's seven month birthday. I wish she was here. I miss her. I mean I really miss her. Sometimes I try to imagine how it felt to hold her. I am afraid that i am starting to forget. I don't want her to just be come a memory. I love my baby.
We now have her head stone set up. It's beautiful. The kids were very excited to see it. Bennet always thanks Heavenly Father for Shyanne in his prayers. I love that. I am so glad that we had her too. She has helped me want to be better. It is interesting that in our four months together she has changed my life forever. Jovee's fight with her cancer had prepared us in so many levels for Shyanne. Jovee had about a 20 % chance to survive this cancer. The whole time i was trying to find ways to except that she might die. I am not sure there was a night that i didn't cry myself to sleep. All i could do was hope and help her fight. The rest was in Gods hands. It's been two years now and she is still doing well. I am grateful . I am blessed.
When Shy(Shyanne) came into our lives. We didn't know any thing was wrong until she was born. When the nurse read to me the list of concerns I wept. All I could think was no! oh please no! I don't want to watch another child suffer again. They took her the next day to another hospital. I kissed her good bye and they took her away. Seven days later she had open heart surgery. She spent a month in the hospital and i had the opportunity to nurse her for the first time. That was a special time in my life. It didn't last long but it did happen and we bonded. By the time i got Shy home she struggled with reflex issues so we had to give her a special formula plan and had to stop the nursing. That was a good month with shy. It wasn't much longer she became more and more sick. We found ourselves in the hospital more often. Her last month was the hardest. She suffered a great deal. We were by her side every moment that we could. It shattered my heart . I couldn't understand why wasn't anyone doing anything! No one had answers. The most any Doctor would say is "it's complicated" All I could think is I don't care! Fix it! I guess not all things can be fix at least the way we it want to be. We watched our baby take her last breath and she was gone. It saddest day of my life. Although I was glad to know she wasn't suffering any more I think watching her suffer might have been worst. I don't know it all really hurts.
You know i can remember praying while i was pregnet with shy. I asked God for a healthy baby to only find he gave me a perfect one instead. How can i complain? I've learned that we may not be able to change our situation or our trials; but what we can change is ourselves. I can control how i will react to this. Shy isn't coming back. Not in this life. I do find peace in that knowing i will hold her again. Although i don't like waiting. I must. I know there will be a day when i will hear her voice, see her laugh, watch her run and all the endless joys that come with raising a child. I just have to wait. It will come. I have to think about all the good i have in my life. My children watch me. They will react the way i teach them. My husband and I set the example.
It feels good to release this all off my chest. I don't know if any of this will make sence. Sometimes what is going on inside my head looks different than on paper (or computer).

Where to start?

I wanted to start a record of my life for my children. I plan to share my thoughts, experiences, and my struggles. I warn you I am not one with the ability to write. A friend of mine suggested that I should write it in a blog. So I will give it a try. I am not sure how to put this all together. My plan is just to start writing.